Archer is one of the most popular shows of 2010, and the main character—Sterling Archer—is one of the most quotable characters of all time. Sterling Archer is a suave master spy who battles constantly with a domineering mother; a less-than-masculine codename—Duchess; an aging-but-loyal butler; and occasionally global crises and espionage.
Also vain and overly confident, Sterling Archer is inept in most aspects of his life that don't involve being a secret agent. Having dated fellow agent Lana Kane, their work environment is often tenuous and difficult.
This website will display quotes of Sterling Archer's from the television show and from the Twitter account dedicated to Duchess himself, @codenameduchess, which features Archer's "Just the Tip of the Day."
See that? He was putting on his pants, and I stopped him. So you just watch your step, mister ... dammit.–quote by Sterling Archer
No, no, turn it on. I can do both.–quote by Sterling Archer
If you let me into the mainframe, I'll drop these donuts. And then you can pretend you're a hungry hungry ... hungry hippo.–quote by Sterling Archer
So, thanks for nothing Carol. Now, I have to break into ISIS headquarters—in a $900 turtleneck. And if it gets ruined, I'm going to make you drink heavy cream, you ... Carol.–quote by Sterling Archer
Crenshaw: Yes, picture her, dead in the gutter, and what your pathetic life will be like without old mommy dearest–
Lana: Jesus christ! He's got an erection!
Crenshaw: What the hell is wrong with you people?!
Malory: An erection? The thought of me dead gives you an erection?
Sterling: No, just half of one. The other half would have really missed you. I mean not ... ew.
Lying is like 95% of what I do.–quote by Sterling Archer
Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts? No, ISIS agents use Krav Maga.–quote by Sterling Archer
Cyril, I paid her, I get to carry her corpse.–quote by Sterling Archer
Sterling: Do you not see me rocking this chiseled slab of hard man body? I mean, come on! Are you gay or not?
Ramone: I am, but you—you are so not my type.
Sterling: Hey, I am everybody's type.
You're gay! I mean, I am, too. We're both gay.–quote by Sterling Archer
Sterling: How do you say "The Hulk" in Spanish?
Ramone: "El Hulk."
Ramone: What? We don't have a word for "Hulk."
Sterling: Do you have a word for gay?
Cyril, come on. Worst case scenario, her cover got blown and Skorpio's raping her senseless before he chops her battered corpse into fish food. What? I said worst case.–quote by Sterling Archer
Sterling: Hey! I'm serious. Look at me, seriously, Lana. Forget the eye bandage, but the hair, the strong jawline—who do I remind you of?
Sterling: Say it. Say it. Say it!
Lana: Burt Reynolds in Deliverance.
Sterling: No! Not in Deliverance. In Gator! How can you not see that?
Lana: Okay, that was a fluke.
Sterling: Yeah, a fluke of nature. Because I happen to have perfect situational awareness, Lana. Which cannot be taught, by the way. Like a poet's ... mind for ... to make the perfect words.
No Cyril, when they're dead, they're just hookers!–quote by Sterling Archer
Malory: If you were half as smart as she was–
Sterling: She wasn't too smart to die from eating chocolate, was she?
Can I offer you a drink? How about this expensive prostitute?–quote by Sterling Archer
Can't or won't?–quote by Sterling Archer
Sterling: Yeah, I know it's sexy Woodhouse, that's why I bought ten. Now arrange those by color.
Woodhouse: These are all black.
Sterling: Oh, are they? Or are five in a dark black, and are five in a slightly darker black?
Hey, I know you're upset, but if you ever mention my mother's loins or their frothiness to me again, I don't know what I'll do ... but it will be bad. Now let's go bury this dead hooker.–quote by Sterling Archer
Sterling: Conway! What the shit, man?!
Conway: What? Schmeck was a traitor.
Sterling: Yeah, now he's all over my $400 custom shirt.
Conway: Well, I'll buy you a new one. Now grab the plans before it's too late!
Sterling: It's already too late. Because it's already soaked into the fibers, dumbass! This is linen!
Sterling: Conway, wait! Just answer me one question.
Conway: Yeah, but make it quick—my ride's here. And your lungs are filling up with blood.
Sterling: Did you have sex with my mother?
Conway: Wait, what? That is your only question? Not who am I, not how did I infiltrate ISIS, or, or, or who's flying the helicopter?
Sterling: Just answer the question!
Conway: No, Archer, I didn't have sex with your mom.
Sterling: Woodhouse, what are you doing?
Woodhouse: Uhh, sitting down, sir.
Sterling: What, at the table? Like people?
Sterling: What? He thinks he's people!
Malory: It's okay! They're just blanks.
Lana: Well, see, you say that ...
Malory: But they were blanks—weren't they?
Sterling: Only if the back of his skull picked that exact moment to explode outwards
Woodhouse, we got any lube? Like even olive oil at this point would ... help me get that drawer unstuck.–quote by Sterling Archer
You know, when I was little I used to pretend that you weren't my mother.–quote by Sterling Archer
And your shoes! Because how hard is it to poach a goddamn egg properly? Seriously, that's like Eggs 101, Woodhouse.–quote by Sterling Archer
Mine always said, "Sterling, come in here and check me for lumps." Holy shit, was that out loud?–quote by Sterling Archer
Sterling: You know, if there's one thing women totally love, it's to be smothered by men.
Cheryl: Ha, like you'd know.
Sterling: Or choked, in your case.
How'd you get life insurance, Lana? Don't they know you're in the danger zone?–quote by Sterling Archer
Lana. Lana. Lana? LANA! Danger zone.–quote by Sterling Archer
I'm getting my turtleneck. I'm not defusing a bomb in this!–quote by Sterling Archer
Sterling: And M, as in Mancy.
Lana: M, as in what?
Sterling: Mancy. What'd you think I said?
Hey, we're out there risking our lives every—many of the days!–quote by Sterling Archer
Hey Cyril. Cyril. CYRIL! I'm saving Lana, as usual!–quote by Sterling Archer
Hey. Hey, proposition: first person to untie me, guy or gal, I will let him or her give me a handy. Come on, let's share the milk of human kindness!–quote by Sterling Archer
I'm not saying I invented the turtleneck. But I was the first person to realize its potential as a tactical garment. The tactical turtleneck! The... tactleneck!–quote by Sterling Archer
No, no, it's Woodhouse! He's all tied up somewhere, sc-scared and alone! And possibly dehydrated!–quote by Sterling Archer
You better call Kenny Loggins. 'Cause you're in the danger zone.–quote by Sterling Archer
Hm? Sorry I was picturing Whore Island.–quote by Sterling Archer
Sterling: Who would want to wear an on-fire suit?
Lana: Cos play enthusiasts!
If you want breakfast you should try the diner; you're obviously into greek. Get it?–quote by Sterling Archer
I have to go, but if I find one dog hair when I come back I'll rub sand into your dead little eyes. I also need you to buy sand. I don't know if they grade it, but ... coarse.–quote by Sterling Archer
Malory: It doesn't exist for you to just jet off to ... Whore island!
Sterling: That's not ... a real place.
Malory: Have I made myself clear?
Sterling: You're looking for the word yes.
Sterling: Then, yes.
God, everything makes you uncomfortable. Just the tip?–quote by Sterling Archer
Sterling: Do not wind her up: that is a big gun and she is baby crazy.
Lana: Baby crazy?!
Sterling: That's why I dumped her.
Lana: You little, you sack of shit. I dumped you because you're dragging around a 35-year-old umbilical cord!
Sterling: See, all you talk about is baby shit, because you're baby crazy!
I'm gonna pain you dearly Woodhouse, when I peel all your skin off with a flencing knife, sew it into Woodhouse-pajamas, and then set those pajamas on fire!–quote by Sterling Archer
You know, I bet there's a lesson to be learned from all this, but I ... oh shit, my rug!–quote by Sterling Archer